The Fix?
by WriterPatter
Summary: Rey and Kylo Ren have a special connection. Is it one for good, or bad?


He ran his hands through his jet black hair, straining to sit quietly in the med bay. He tried but failed, powerless to block her whispers. There was nothing but her voice in his head. Her persistent voice coupled with the choice he had made assailed him. _" **Don't do this, Ben. Don't go this way** ," _she had urged him.__

He heard the break in her voice, still. Could still perceive the desperation ingrained in her words that quivered within his mind, wearing down his defenses. Just when he managed to assert himself, pushing her voice into the darkest recesses, her eyes, tenderly poignant and brutally sincere, would emerge. Those tantalizing, light brown eyes that had looked at him with such pain, such hope. He saw them as clearly as they had been when she'd shut the Falcon's door on him, rejecting their strong connection. Had it been his imagination, or had her mesmerizing eyes wavered for just a moment in their resolve?

No, they hadn't. Tenaciously, she'd held firm, her decision final, deafening. She had rejected him outright, entirely. Still and all, he couldn't find it in himself to reject her. Was he that weak? Too desperate for her and that calm clarity she lent whenever she was near? Whenever she whispered his name like a prayer.

 _ _ _Ben…___

He could almost go back in time, be that hopeful, impressionable boy, who yearned to be worthy, again. Young Ben Solo...that good boy he had been before all of this impossible darkness and confusion. Before everyone had abandoned him. Before his grand Uncle Luke had betrayed him and __Snoke had engulfed him…__

Bile filled Kylo Ren's mouth at the mere thought of his former master. That sick, twisted way he had learned to view himself through Snoke's distorted lens until Ben, the one who'd been mercilessly manipulated, both hated and feared himself, cursed his weakness, and maligned his indecision. But with Rey it was so different, as different as night and day. There was no indecision with _her. His ray of light,_ who ignited sparks within him, illuminated things old and new. Things he dimly remembered. Things unique about him, which had been barely formed, that Snoke had stunted. Ben's yearning, so vast and deep. where he stood aloft on a precipice, begging Rey to not give up on him.

 _ _ _Please...___ Please what? He did not know. It was this deep-seated feeling that if they stayed together, all would be right. All could be good, in balance. Perfect.

He'd offered her everything. Everything he had to give and she had thrown it back in his face. What made her do that? How could she?

 _"You're not alone."_

 _"Neither are you..."_

Ah, but he was alone. Utterly alone, trapped in this prison that was Kylo Ren. Trapped in this fortress he had forged for himself. Why had he? To protect himself? To shield himself? Only to cage himself. He did not know. The mask had been in place for too long. A response to the trauma he had endured.

Sometimes he beheld who he'd once been, young Ben trapped in the darkness, huddled in a ball, fearful, frail. Sickly, full of insecurities the day Snoke had found him and roped him in. Had schooled him into what Snoke had wanted him to be. Kylo Ren peered down at that weak boy in shame and disgust, the way Snoke had taught him. He was that lost boy, lying on cold, black glass, staring up at the broad, masked __Kylo Ren.__ That familiar fear quaked through him. Fear choked the breath from his lungs, the moisture from his eyes, the noise from his ears. He was neither Kylo Ren, nor Ben and yet both of them _ _.__ Self-loathing and terror simmered into deep rage, ripping through him like a savage storm. Fury burned against his family that had loved him from afar, had feared what he might become, and had abandoned him, ready for Snoke to wrap his talons around his naked flesh as easily as plunging a knife into butter.

Snoke was dead now, because of him. He should feel free, but he wasn't, as a stultifying numbness cocooned him. Hallmarks of the Dark Side...emptiness, turmoil, trepidation, perplexity rifled through him. His mind seemed eerily quiet now that his grotesque master no longer whispered obsidian thoughts into his mind. Was he so gullible to believe it was his own for the first time in years? Yet the quiet only emphasized the fissures in his depths. Snoke's death didn't heal the breach between Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. No one could do that. Not even Rey. Though he had begun hoping somehow she could.

Hope? Really? His lips twisted cruelly. He should have known better than that, but undeniably, Rey had opened up something inside of him, truth he had forgotten or had chosen to forget. It was shadowy and fragile...perhaps falling just shy of a feeling, pulsating somewhere between his ribcage. What could it be? The odd sensation had the annoying habit of slipping through his fingers as easily as sand. When Rey wasn't around. But, when she stood before him, that truth was as bright as many suns. So hard, it was all so hard. His lips trembled and he sucked in breath. He was miserable and weak, which made him sick. The wall beside him exploded. He smiled, feeling his bones recoil. His anger and power were one in the same as a broken sob escaped him.

He sank within himself, burying his head in his hands. His mind pushed against the remnants of the wall as he tried to fight the moisture building in his eyes. Who was he? In this moment? Ben Solo? Kylo Ren? _Let the past die._ He had tried, but it reared its head again and again and again… and as frail and weak as Ben Solo appeared in his mind, he was a permanent fixture, a stain polluting his soul. All at once, he felt her presence before she ever uttered a word. That strange, peaceful quiet descended and her scent filled the room like the fragrance of roses and cinnamon that clung to her in person. Kylo's muscles tensed and his lungs trapped his breath. She would not hear his wracked breathing. She would not know his weakness because it took everything he had to hide it from her.

She was his enemy. She had chosen that.

"Ben?" Her voice filled his head, bringing him back fully into the room. He couldn't resist; futile. _Weak,_ he berated himself _._ In the background, he could still hear Snoke's slithering prattle echo. Or was that Luke's voice? Or Han's? His own? A conglomeration? He didn't know. Confusion reigned supreme _._

He rose swiftly from the examining table, his muscles bunched. Defensive, he stood his ground, defiant, yet needy, anxious to commune with her.

"Ben," Rey whispered and the rustle of her goodness brought her closer to him. He had lied. He had never wanted anything so much in this galaxy as his wanting to be with her again. To look at the pert, sleek slant of her face and the softness crying out to him in her eyes. Still, he did not turn. Stubborn, he was; the word's definition. His emotions raged, he choking on them. The shame he felt having caused his family so much pain. The rage he felt over her rejection. It was all too much. She was tearing him apart in the hopes of putting him back together.

"Why do you invade me?" He finally found the strength to think, his eyes glued to the demolished wall, the rubble he had made. The burning in his heart seared his chest.

"You cried out," she said as simply as if that was enough. "I heard you."

He shook his head. The muscles in his jaw pulled tight, bunching. It wasn't enough. "So _ _?"__

She moved within his head again and he could feel her glorious heat course all through him, as if she truly stood mere inches away. He yearned to embrace her, but he did not. His resistance was the last form of control he had. The _only _thing he had. This choice not to twine with her. To remain__ apart. Although every fiber in him screamed, ' _Do it_!'

Did it truly matter? He saw her clearly enough in his mind's eye, imploring him to sway her way. He had conjured her up enough times. She was his for the taking, as easily as breathing. But, he was kidding himself. Rey was beyond him. She was what he should be. He could not admit that to her, staring into those lovely light brown eyes, feeling her righteous aura envelop him.

"You're hurt," she murmured, her voice closer, ever so tender this time, a shimmering breeze against the black backdrop of his baser nature. "I felt it," she said, sighing. Still, not enough to satisfy him. He wanted, needed more.

He opened his mouth to repeat his question once more, but all that came out was a choked gasp as her phantom hand rested gently upon his bicep sending fire racing up and down his arm. He wasn't sure if the sound he made was more snarl or groan or sob. His utterance stuck to his tongue even as her tendril-like fingers tightened, willing him to turn...sway her way

It was all true. Everything they had ever said. He was weak. More weak than he could possibly have imagined. He couldn't resist her. His will moved of its own accord, twisting with her guidance until he bowed to her will!

Kylo Ren closed his eyes, bested, yet strangely contented. _Blow that piece of garbage out of the sky. _He hadn't meant it.__ He swallowed hard and fisted his hands _ _.__ The pain in his heart smarted. Broken? Beaten? His divided soul smote asunder by her sheer goodness?

"Ben," Rey whispered, repeating his name like a prayer. The intangibility of her fingertips danced across his scarred face. His lips parted and he leaned instinctively into her touch like a thirsting man desperate for water. "Ben, see me. _Please. I am begging..._ "

 _Please._ It echoed in his brain as broken as his own. He couldn't resist her. He opened his dark eyes and met her own. His chest spasmed and he sucked in air through his teeth. She was so close he could see the freckle in her left eye. He hadn't noticed it before now. He released a long-held breath, his gaze never wavering from hers.

"What do you want from me?" His voice was barely a whisper. His was no accusation; none coursed through his question this time. Disbelief had supplanted that. Disbelief, sheer and crippling. She wanted him to banish it.

"Only the best. A life that's real, true," Rey breathed plaintively. Her voice as quiet as his. She took another step forward. Studying him intently, her eyes shone. Her fingers traced the scar on his face, cauterizing his skin. His breath caught sharply in his throat.

"Rey, I can't- I don't- I'm- I'm nothing. No one." His eyes ripped away as the admission tumbled from his lips. The truth rang loudly. He wasn't Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. He was neither and both and everything in between and nothing. He was nothing. He was broken. Not worthy to commune with her on this level.

"Not to me. Never to me," she insisted, drawing his face, his gaze, back to her. "Not to me."

Belief coupled with hope flooded him. It was painful and good at the same time as more doubts which piled up. That small sliver of future was crushed from the weight of his uncertainty. _You're weak. Hope is weak. Everyone leaves. Everyone betrays. Everyone abandons._ The familiar words swirled as they shivered in his mind. Whether they were things he had been taught or had taught himself, he no longer knew. Fighting those beliefs would take more effort than any battle he had ever fought. Did he have the strength to fight so much bleakness off? He didn't know...but she did.

She believed in him. Rey. Her eyes were unwavering. There was such softness there despite everything he had done. He didn't deserve it. He would never deserve it.

"You can't heal me," Kylo hissed, withdrawing again. Doing so cost him. His voice had sounded more hostile than he'd meant it to be even in his own ears.

"I know." She knew a thing or two besides. Rey nodded, her mind and heart following his like a magnet. He backed away until their connection was almost severed. She stood before him, glowing, a beacon in the midst of dense darkness. If he would just reach out and touch her...

His mind twitched along with hers.

"I know," she repeated, saddened; still, her eyes shone. There was still hope in them though. She clung to hope the way she clung to her lightsaber in the heat of battle. "Only you can heal yourself, Ben."

The compassion he saw etched in her sweet, beautiful face nearly brought him to his knees and tears. How could she still look at him? His lips trembled as he struggled to breathe, to think, to speak. "I don't know how-"

"I beg you...please, I want to help. Let me..." She flowed into him and he gasped as their feelings entwined. The warmth of her heart seeped into his own. She melded her heart with his. There was no way he could pull away because pulling away was the furthest thing from his mind.

She breathed deeply and said, "Snoke and Luke were wrong, Ben. There is light and darkness in _all of us _.__ You don't have to choose the light. You just have to find the strength to not choose the darkness. The darkness is a dead end. Those who are lost have not trouble finding it. The light is life and true purpose...and the peace you yearn, have always wanted."

He felt them come, no stopping his tears. They seeped from his eyes and he wasn't ashamed as breath rattled in his chest. His eyes touched hers, allowing the light in her eyes to cement feelings they shared, and in that moment, even if it was just for that moment, Kylo Ren allowed himself to hope. When he smiled, Rey shone the brightest he'd ever seen her glow.

"Rey..."

"Ben."

"Reconsider," he broached. "Join me."

" _You_...join _me_ ," she firmly appealed.

Reconsidering, Kylo replied, "Maybe..."

"And that's the start of it," she gladly conceded as she reminded herself to breathe... **just breathe.**..as Luke would often remind her when she'd forgotten how.

"Or...the finish," Kylo said, sounding glum and mentally reproached himself for siphoning off a bit of luster from her smile.

Again, Rey told herself to... ** _just breathe_** and revamped her smile to diminish Kylo's ambivalent feelings. He wasn't beyond hope; she knew this deep inside. No one, not even he, could convince her otherwise.


End file.
